Dear Mr. Dickles,

Get wise to it Ron, every art lover in our crazy country knows that New York is not only das Kapital of the real world, but also of the art world. We have an irresistible offer for you: You put us in your premiere exhibition and we will put you on the (New York) map alongside Castelli, Boone, Gagosian and Pace-Wildenstein, and those other hipper ones.

We are currently writing a book on the art, sex, death, corruption, and loves lost and found in New York. You will probably be on pages 16-25 if our plan of alphabetization pans out. You would be before Gagosian and Wildenstein, but after Castelli and Boone. Castelli will actually be taken out if the rumors of his impending death become a self-fulfilling prophecy before publishing day, so that will put you on pages 8-15.

To show you that we love you, we made you two logos. Pay special attention to that cute little monkey we put on one of them. He is there because your year of birth was 1956 (the year of the monkey), you graduated from Yale in 1980 (the year of the monkey), you divorced that monkey-faced slut whatever her name is in 1992 (the year of the monkey). Wildenstein's still trying to lose his monkey-faced wife Jocelyne. We know that the year 2004 is the year the monkey establishes The Empire. Can you picture it? Being king of the fucking monkey EMPIRE!!!?? Please respond two weeks before publishing day, or if you are smart you will wait till they put Castelli, The Lion King, in his grave.

You're all grown up and it shows. Your mommy's all right, and your daddy's all right they're just a little weird, but you're all the better for it. Who knew? You got your mind on your money and your money on your mind and ours. So give us $375 for each logo, or $750 for both (including print-ready film) and we'll give you much, much more than you bargained for...Fame! We want to live forever too.

Father knows best,

A.K.U.S.A.